“Clouding of consciousness”(mental fog)-When a person is not aware of time or their surroundings and find it difficult to pay attention.
This is the type of cloud that I found myself walking around in for most of my life. I thought that everything in my life was going good, that I had it all together for the most part, and it was everyone else who had all the issues. I quickly learned that I was wrong. I spent years of my life pointing the fingers at others for things that went wrong. I walked around in a haze knowing that something was not right but I couldn’t figure it out. So I thought. I had the answer all along. I just chose to not look at myself, to not admit that something was wrong with me, that I needed to make drastic changes in my life if I wanted to have a different outcome. I now know that this has been the hardest and continues to be the hardest cloud that hangs over my head.
This leads me to talk about the 1st and biggest cloud that we deal with on our way up to cloud 9. There are clouds that form in the sky that are known as “tower clouds” They are clouds that can reach up to 39,000 feet in the sky or higher. They seem like their size would make them seem huge and scary even though that is not their purpose. This is how I would consider it to be when it comes to self confession. I can honestly say that in my journey, I have discovered that really self internalizing, to admit what your mistakes are and saying them out loud to yourself has until now, been the hardest step in all of this. I knew when I kept having explosive outbursts, or anger that would linger for days at a time, depression that lasted for weeks, loss of appetite, worrying about nothing, trying to control everything that something was not right. I had to take a look at all the events in my life, really look at myself and admit to myself what my part was and what I needed to do to change it.
It’s very important that you surround yourself with people who are supportive, who have your best interest at heart. I have been in relationships that have lasted many years and not found that real, raw, loving support that I needed. I am blessed to have a partner who truly wants to see me happy and helps me everyday to be better. Making me realize that my choices in life have to be different and that I truly have to be content with who I am. That I can not live my life based on the opinions of others. I also began to see a therapist who helps me better understand the mental part of my struggles. It is important to get help from outside, from someone that you can talk to without judgment, without restraint.
There is nothing more freeing than being able to look at yourself and say “this is my problem and if I want things to be different, than I have to make better choices than the ones that I have been making in the past. I have to acknowledge that I need to work on these things. There is nothing wrong with realizing that there are issues that you have to deal with. Because in the end, it’s only for your own happiness and for your future. Now you know what you have to address and it gives you a goal to pursue. You have a starting point. It motivates you to want to change these things within yourself.