Finding Serenity In My Uncertainty

PEACE

A state of tranquilty or quiet such as:
   1. Freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts
   2. Harmony in personal relations
   3. A pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of emnity
   4. In a state of concord or tranquility

Sometimes we find ourselves questioning whether there is something missing in our lives. Something that is making us feel incomplete or unfulfilled. We look for answers in self-help books, in our friends or families or even our significant other. Only to find that we are truly not at peace. We are always looking to find true happiness in other aspects of our lives, when true peace is where it has always been. Inside ourselves. Until we are able to discover this and truly harness it, can we begin to experience peace the way it is meant to be and eventually share that peace with others.

As I have explained before, my journey began when I met my now boyfriend, Meek. He helped show me a whole new side of myself that I did not know I had. Since then, I have begun a desperate journey to completely find myself, love myself and strive to be the best me that I could be. I wanted to completely love myself in every aspect of my life. The road getting there…now that’s a different story. Coming up with a good idea is one thing, but putting that idea into action is another.

“Beauty begins the moment you decide to love yourself”

Coco Chanel

As time went on, I found myself realizing that I wanted more out of life. That there was so much that I was capable of doing. I had lived my life just letting time go by. Wasted time that I could never get back. I knew I had to do something different. I had to push me to be better. Accomplishments don’t always have to be big milestones, sometimes it’s the little things that really matter. The little tedious things that make it harder to do the big things. I turned off the tv and began reading. Reading about my disorder and how to not let it control me and about disciplining my mind. Keeping myself motivated with affirmations and motivational speeches. Learning as much as I could and actually applying these things to myself everyday. I’m not going to say that I didn’t have my bad days and my days of relapse. I still don’t have full control of my emotions. I still have my days when something will trigger me and it will cause an outburst. But every time, I start to recognize a new trigger, I know that I can consciously make a change to not let myself get to the point where I can’t control myself. I fail myself sometimes and it only pushes me to try harder the next time. I challenge myself. Daily.

As I grow everyday, it fills me with hope. Knowing that if I was able to make this change, than so can so many others. We can honestly say that we definitely are our worst enemy. We need to stop seeing our weaknesses as obstacles and begin to see them as challenges. It’s how you perceive it. If you can understand that everything in life is a test and you are given the option to choose how and where your life ends up. Just like a movie with an alternate ending, so is our life. Choose to make your life what you want it to be for yourself.