Self doubt. Two words that haunt me everyday. I have come to realize that I am my worst critic. Having BPD only heightens that feeling times ten. This can be so mentally exhausting. Thinking about whether or not I am good enough. Why can’t I do this right? This is something that plagues me everyday in one way or another. Trying to do things perfectly and failing to realize that there is no such thing as perfect. I just expect it to be that way.
I now comprehend that my self doubt stems from many years of past verbal abuse I endured in personal relationships. As a result of my disorder, I allowed myself to go through abuse and trauma that I shouldn’t have. Due to my own fear of abandonment, I was afraid to lose people in my life. Because of this, I permitted different types of abuse to ensure I didn’t end up alone. Although I ended up alone anyway. Up until now, I am happy with the people that left. They were a chapter in my story and only for a chapter. But moving forward, it is critical that I surround myself with the right supportive people, who are only going to push me to succeed and be a better me everyday.
Going from a negative mindset to a positive one is not easy. It is quite draining and exhausting mentally. Self-doubt can only be overtaken with self-love. Learning to love yourself completely is a journey within itself. Learning that the best things in life are on the other side of self-doubt, fear and anxiety. You just need to get to the other side. I know that this may be easier said than done, and I can definitely attest to this. But it can be done. It’s all up to you and how you are going to perceive it. Having any mental disorder can make this even more challenging. We as humans are capable of so much more than we understand. We have the power to heal our own mind when we are willing to open ourselves up to learning more.
I have days when I get extremely hard on myself and overthink everything. I start to see everything in a negative light and make excuses for why I can’t do something. Deep down, I know that I am here for a purpose. That I have value and that I am loved. I just need these thoughts to rise to the top. The world can be an ugly place sometimes. Filled with stigmas, criticism and prejudgments. Allowing the opinions of others to measure how good or bad we are. We were all uniquely and wonderfully made. Each in our own way, with distinctly unique characteristics. Each given a purpose and a message. There will never be another you. You are in this moment for a specific reason. Mental disorder and all, you are still special and you still have a journey that only you can fulfill. Don’t let self-doubt be the barrier that keeps you from your dreams.
For more statistics on mental health, visit https://www.nami.org/mhstats