Intense rage, intense sadness, intense happiness….just some of the traits that I display as part of my BPD. I am forced to look back and try to make sense of all the times in my life when I let my anger get the best of me and create chaos in my life. I begin to ask myself, “why am I so angry”?
I began to search within myself and see all the abuse that I went through in my life. Every betrayal, every heartbreak, every bad event that lay behind these intense emotions. Scars that although healed, nonetheless, are scars. Visible to only me. So I thought.
I grew up well into my adulthood seeing couples fight. We all do. Seeing people flip out on each other. In our homes, our friends relationships, on the street, on TV. It becomes normal to have these intense uncontrollable emotions that cause us to react blindly. This can really be emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting. I know how drained I would feel after fighting with my boyfriend and not having anything left in me. Feeling like my life had been sucked right out of me. Thinking that this is what normal couples do. Until I started to realize that my anger would last for days sometimes. It would rage inside and not calm down with anything I did. When I was hurt by someone, it hurt intensely. So I found ways to make them hurt just as bad, by saying awful mean things.
Only when someone pointed it out to me, that this behavior is not normal. My anger that became full blown rage, that then became anxiety. The shaking of my body, my heart pumping so hard that it hurts my chest, the cold sweats, and the endless racing thoughts. Then a rage that at times could be blinding. This behavior is extreme. I started to see how all this locked up anger and hurt was starting to slowly ruin everything around me. I couldn’t run from the truth. I needed to accept responsibility for the things that I had done wrong.
I began to discover that my own fear of abandonment in my relationship caused me to lash out in horrible ways. I wanted to hold on to people at all costs. I was afraid of my partner leaving. I screamed, cried, whatever it took to make the other person stay. Having to come to terms with that was difficult enough. Knowing that in my own anger, I can inflict pain on others because of the pain I had dealt with.
I find peace in knowing now that I have a choice in how I am going to respond. By learning my triggers, talking to a therapist, blogging and staying occupied. I have learned new ways to cope and I am still learning. As I continue on this journey, I want to share my experiences and share the different ways that I am able to cope with my disorders, in hopes that they may help you on your journey to mental cloud 9.