I can truly say that when I began my journey to find myself and to learn how to develop a higher emotional intelligence, that things were going to get so much easier with time. I thought to myself that with discipline and knowing everything there is to know about my disorders and understanding them would keep me from ever experiencing these bad emotions anymore. That therapy would keep these emotions from popping up. That through this process, they would disappear and I could be free. I could’nt be more wrong.
I failed to realize that as time went on, I had to begin coming face to face with my past demons, my innermost fears, and my deepest insecurities. The ugly stuff. The stuff we don’t like thinking about. The stuff that we tuck away deep down where only we know. So I thought. I told myself that I had it all under control. Then I found myself breaking down, battling depression again, going through uncontrollable bouts of rage. The very same things that I had been battling were at times winning. But as I always say, life is about perception and how we choose to look at the obstacles ahead.
This was a battle that I was definitely not prepared for. Especially when I was just beginning to learn myself and beginning to feel confident and feel good in my own skin. I was finding me. I have a tendency to be very critical of myself. When I fail at something, I become angry with myself because I always try my hardest to be the best at whatever I do. So when I began to see progress within myself, I became excited and motivated to continue creating a better me. The me that was always capable of everything but didn’t see the potential in herself. But, when time went on and I found myself having bad days, I became angry with myself and tried to keep those emotions from coming back up by avoiding them.
But I had it all wrong, I kept fighting my emotions by avoiding them or ignoring them, and that only won the battle for me temporarily, but deep down they were ultimately winning. My boyfriend told me that instead of fighting my emotions, I had to learn to accept them. That caused a paradigm shift in my mind and the light bulb went on. That these feelings and emotions wont go away because they are a part of who I am. They are what help me feel and understand the world and those around me. The problem was my perception. I needed to look at them as friends instead of enemies on a battlefield.
I have begun to understand that I have to see life as a teacher. Each day, each moment, each event, has been placed in our lives in such a way that it can either teach us a lesson and we learn and grow from it, or always see it as an obstacle and let it be the reason why we can’t do something. I am slowly learning that my bad days are life’s way of showing me that there is something else I need to learn to control and master before I can go on to the next. I use that as a stepping stool to a higher platform that I am building for myself. I am learning to accept those moments when I am feeling depressed or angry, Getting focused and telling myself that it is ok to feel this way, to accept that this is part of me and that it will pass. That it is only temporary. As long as I accept it, learn techniques to help me get through it, like meditation and prayer. I can tell myself everything is ok. I am able to slowly get better at dealing with each emotion knowing that I am going to have bad days. Now I just welcome them with a whole new perspective and take each moment as it comes.
Knowing that I can accomplish this by just taking one day at a time, fills me with hope for all those out there just like me. Knowing that you are no different. We are powerful human beings capable of so much. I am astounded by the things that the human mind is capable of. And the greatest thing is that we are all capable of it. You just need to believe in yourself and take the necessary steps to get help and to have a desire to want a better life for yourself. Start by changing your perspective and know you are able to accomplish what you really set your mind on. Accept that it is ok to not be ok and it happens to all of us. It’s what you decide to do with all of it that determines your future steps