My personal tug of war with BPD
“I love him”, “I hate him”-“I want to be with him”, I don’t want to be with him”. These are the phrases that are constantly playing in my head. My emotions and my thoughts pull me from one extreme to another. Good or bad, black or white but never any middle ground
Having borderline personality disorder as extreme as I have it, is very difficult and draining. The overwhelming fear of abandonment and the extreme black and white thinking can be excruciating. Not being able to understand why I can not control my thoughts and emotions in my moments of rage can be absolutely draining.
Pulling the trigger too soon
I can honestly and painfully say that finding middle ground for me, has been and still continues to be the hardest thing to overcome. Especially when my emotions go from 0 to 100 real quick. Not always being able to control it, can make it very difficult. Beginning from the moment I’m triggered. I find everything either very bad or very good with no in-between.
When I am in that moment, my mind is racing and thinking of more reasons why I should be upset. I think about past traumas and how those affected me. I am easily triggered when I feel abandoned or think someone is going to abandon me. My emotions go from pure bliss to pure hatred. I start to become emotionally detached and just sit in my rage.
This begins to really affect those closest to me. As they seem to be my biggest triggers. Strangely enough, most of my anger is directed towards myself, but instead tend to lash outwards. This is especially true for my significant other, as in past relationships this is where most of my abuse stems from. I jump to conclusions and build my anger upon that.
I an now beginning to understand the thinking process behind my rage. When I become afraid or feel like I am losing control of certain situations, something goes off in my mind. Telling myself that I need to stop feeling and put up a wall that is going to protect me from being hurt or facing disappointment. If I become detached, then I wont have to deal with being hurt.
I continue to grow and work on myself everyday. I have learned that this recovery is lifelong. I have to work on it continuously and stay disciplined. I strive to be the best version of me. I practice by going to therapy. Exercise & meditation, learning about my disorder and sharing my story are all techniques that are helping me to cope with my depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.
Knowing your worth and believing in yourself will be great motivating forces to keep you going everyday.