Lights, Camera, Action!
You know how you watch a play and the curtain goes up, your excited to see the lights, camera, action! Once it’s over, the curtain drops and a huge sigh of relief sweeps across everyone backstage.
That’s how I felt my life go by everyday as I put on a show for those around me. As soon as it was over, I was back to taking that big sigh of relief. Not of accomplishment, but of disappointment…..
It took me so many years to finally understand that the person I had become was built upon the many opinions that others had of me. I really did not have a true self identity.
I was lost in what others expected me to be. Playing a part to please others, is so much more difficult than just being happy with who you know you are. Finding that identity especially when having BPD, depression and anxiety is easier said than done though. My whole life, I wanted to feel accepted and loved. Sometimes at the cost of my own dignity.
As I have begun this journey into mental wellness, I can honestly say it has been the hardest and most challenging voyage I have ever embarked on. I have had to face things about myself that have made me question every aspect of my life.
I recently went through what most would call their “rock bottom”. I will go over that experience in detail on my next blog post. I came to realize that nothing in life will change for me until I fully except every truth about myself, no matter how ugly it may be.
I was a “drama queen” for so many years. Making sure that I was always pleasing those around me. Doing everything possible to maintain the peace. To play the part of someone who has it all together and is always in control. When inside everything was falling apart. Keeping up with this persona definitely did it’s fair share of damage along the way.
Today I have chosen to change the course that my life was headed towards and slowly create my own path. A path never walked on by anyone else, because it is my own personal path.
The one thing that I do have control over is the decisions that I make that are going to determine where my life ends up. I can choose, as many have chosen to make my life what I want it to be. To work hard, to never give up, to know that I am capable of anything that I put my mind to.
That I have a purpose like each and every one of us have. I have vision and I have faith. I may not see it in the natural but my actions and my words move in the supernatural and cause the universe to give you back what you put out.
I am not quite where I need to be yet, but I am huge strides from where I used to be. That to me, is success. Something that we can all accomplish when we truly are determined.
Having a mental disorder must begun to be seen as a special ability that makes us more sensitive and in tune with others. Using this as a gift and not a curse. And most definitely not letting our disorder create our borders, instead letting our gift always create new pathways in which we can grow.