Losing my mind
Have you ever gone through a moment in your life when you thought to yourself “I must be going crazy!” There are times when I can feel that way more than once a day. When I feel overwhelmed with emotion. That is how I began to feel. I began to notice my emotions getting the best of me.
When I first found out I had borderline personality disorder, I had never even heard of it. I learned some information from my boyfriend because he had previously suffered from it. I remember reading these six statements and being able to identify with almost all of them. Here are those statements:
- I often feel “empty”
- My emotions shift very quickly, and I often experience extreme sadness, anger, and anxiety
- I’m constantly afraid that the people I care about will abandon me or leave me
- I would describe most of my romantic relationships and unhealthy, such as driving recklessly. having unsafe sex, binge drinking, using drugs, or going on spending sprees
- I’ve attempted to hurt myself, engaged in self harm behaviors such as cutting, or threatened suicide
- When I’m feeling insecure in a relationship, I tend to lash out or make impulsive gestures to keep the other person close
Understanding my battle
I knew after reading these statements, that I suffered those symptoms everyday. It’s a known fact that BPD is hard to diagnose. Many times symptoms may show similarities to other disorders. Especially Bipolar Disorder. I heard BPD explained in a way which really made so much sense to me and could really relate to.
This is the best way that I heard BPD explained: If you put a person with schizophrenia on a deserted island by themselves, with time their disorder will show and be evident.
If you put a person with BPD on a deserted island, their disorder would not be apparent. They would function normally. But add another person on the island with them and their disorder will become more apparent.
Most BPD triggers and stressors occur only within the context of a relationship. There must be the additional person to become fixated on. Otherwise, people with BPD function better on their own.
I know that many of us can relate to this. I knew that my anger could be triggered by something very small or that reminded me of past trauma. but only in my relationships. With BPD, our extremes could be triggered at any time. Sometimes we just think that our anger is normal or warranted but there is a thin line between anger and rage.
Trying to understand your own mind is much more difficult than it seems. Easier said than done. It takes acceptance to even begin to take the first step forward. If you can’t take a step back and truly self examine yourself and honestly accept your flaws, then the process cant even begin.
Accepting that there is something wrong with you is honestly where you show your strength. It takes a great amount of strength and humility to accept that there is something wrong with you.
Admitting your flaws, opens you up to something more beautiful. You surrender yourself to your higher power to be pottery in the hands of the potter. You allow the universe to know that you are moving in the flow of life. In that dark ugly place where we fight our hardest battles, we find a light, a guide to lead us to find ourselves. A stronger, wiser, more humble version of you.