As a child, I loved roller coasters. Going up to the top and just dropping all the way down, only to go all the way up again. The nervousness, the anxiety, the feeling in the pit of your stomach. It was so much fun. I was oblivious at times to how sick it would make me feel.
As an adult, we experience this roller coaster feeling. For some of us on a daily basis. Going from extreme high to extreme low, from anger to rage, from sadness to depression, from eager to anxious. Unlike the excitement from the roller coaster ride, this type of emotion definitely takes a toll on your mental and physical health.
Sometimes, we experience these feeling for so long, that it’s like strapping yourself to an unstoppable roller coaster ride. You hardly ride this ride alone. So not only does it affect you, but it begins to affect those that are around you as well.
Highs and lows
I experienced this in my life for so long. Especially when it came to my anger. The extreme high of being angry in a matter of minutes and then feeling all the way down the next. It’s exhausting when there is no on/off switch for this. I begin to realize that I can go from being for just a few moments to staying angry for days. Never knowing what was going to trigger me on that day.
Until now, I still have my bouts of anger from time to time. Just much more controlled. Some days they come more than I would like. But I have chosen to look at it as a challenge to myself. Another way to push my limits.
With therapy, reading and studying more about my disorder and mental disorders in general. It gives me information on how to keep myself from Having a relapse of anger and how to better control it. Learning what my triggers are and how to handle them has made such a difference. Learning new techniques everyday and learning to put out my own fires, has given me such a feeling of accomplishment and hope.
I am learning to understand that I don’t have control of everything. In actuality I control nothing except….myself. The decisions that I make will ultimately lead me to my destiny. As I take every day as a new learning experience, I find that I can only continue to grow.
I learn more everyday. That is all I can do. Learn and apply it to my life. Knowing that BPD is treatable gives me hope that one day, all of this will only be a memory. Until then, I must continue to discipline my mind, learn more about my disorder and find ways to improve. I am a work in progress on this crazy journey we call life.