“I hate you, don’t leave me!”
I always knew that in any type of relationship, it is normal to experience all types of emotions as situations change. I observed this behavior in relationships of those around me. I just never realized that mine was a little more out of control than most. Maybe a little too much….
I have only been aware of my BPD within the last year. Although it has always been an issue, I never realized it until recently. As I studied more about this disorder, I came upon an article that spoke about splitting. I had never even heard of BPD much less splitting.
As soon as I began to look into splitting, it was like seeing flashes of my life. It was like watching puzzle pieces slowly fall into place, one by one, forming the big picture. I related more than I would of liked. Each point I read pierced me deeply.
I have always had a tendency to be very hard on myself. Insulting myself and being angry with myself when I don’t get things right the first time. I tried to always be a perfectionist at everything I did. I quickly learned that perfection isn’t always what we imagine it to be.
I began to realize that when it came to my personal relationships, my emotions became so intense and raw. I felt sadness and anger in a way that I felt as though I had no control over.
One day I could love my significant other, and hate him the next. And not just for a moment, but at times for days. In my mind, it was completely normal for me to feel this way. I always found ways to justify my actions. Although I was in bad relationships, I had my fair share of mistakes.
Splitting has been so emotionally and mentally draining for me. Feeling one extreme emotion to the next can make you feel like you just finished running a marathon. This feeling pushed me to want emotional stability for myself.
I have put some important points about splitting below. Maybe you can also relate to some or all of these statements. I have learned so much about my disorder. But more importantly, I have learned so much about myself.
I have learned that having BPD and experiencing splitting can be overwhelming. But, I also know that change is possible. There are many that have recovered and will continue to recover from this disorder. Anything is possible if you make it that way.
I am nowhere near that perfect place I had imagined myself to be. But I am perfectly who I am meant to be. My progress, despite my downfalls has turned out to be my perfection. It is perfection under construction.
Symptoms of splitting
- Making a quick assessment or judgment of people without getting to know them first
- Idealizing certain people from whom the person with BPD craves excessive attention and views as special, powerful, and free of flaws
- Seeking frequent reassurance from idealized people that they still love, care about, or are friends with the people with BPD
- “Punishing” people when they don’t give the person with BPD what they want, including having angry outbursts, giving the silent treatment, or plotting ways to “get revenge” on someone they deem devalued
- Expecting other people to “choose sides” between the person with BPD and someone the person with BPD devalues, sometimes asking them to help with revenge, and potentially deeming that person as devalued if they refuse to take sides
- A strong fear of abandonment1
- A pattern of intense and unstable romantic, platonic, and/or family relationships, characterized by extreme closeness, extreme dislike, or fluctuating between
- Intense moods and mood swings, including intense episodes of rage or depression lasting a few hours to a few days
- Difficulty trusting people and/or irrational perception of their motives
- “I hate you” or other hurtful things they usually don’t mean and may feel shame for later.
- “I never do anything right” and other derogatory all or nothing thinking statements, often as a result of making a mistake.
- “I love him so much” and other big declarations of affection that may seem extreme or disproportionate to the relationship, or switches abruptly to “I hate him.” This can cycle back and forth.
Splitting describes viewing the world in binary terms. In this sense, splitting does not come in “episodes” where it exists or doesn’t exist so much as the views someone with BPD splitting assigns people and things can change or not change.
A person with BPD splitting may keep their “all bad” and “all good” labels for people and things permanently, or these views can change or fluctuate.
Episodes of anger, depression, and/or anxiety often related to splitting typically last a few hours to days.
With evidence-based treatment, such as certain types of psychotherapy, symptoms of BPD—including splitting—can lessen. For more info click here. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-splitting-425210