Call me “crazy”
Being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, anxiety and depression can be scary for many people. I was somewhat relieved, as it gave me a starting point as to why I was acting the way I was.
At the same time, it made me feel as though there was something really wrong with me. Mental health issues are stigmatized in such a negative way and therefore seen as “crazy”.
When I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago, I never imagined it would embark me on an expedition where I would find a whole new side of me. It just took the right support.
As I have spoken about before, I went through a very rough divorce right before the pandemic. It truly was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Mentally I had a meltdown. I thought I was in a pit that I would not come out of.
Life has a funny way of giving us what we want, yet not always the way we would of thought it to be. Mine came in the midst of my “craziness”. My boyfriend also unknowingly suffered from BPD. He had taken a trip across country. He went from New York to California in hopes of finding recovery by rediscovering himself.
He spent time learning about his disorder, practicing DBT, and spending time completely alone on the road learning who he really was. Through his journey he rediscovered a whole new side and was able to manage and control his BPD. I had found someone who could genuinely understand me.
Living with me and BPD
Having BPD is very different from other disorders in the sense that it truly only affects you when you are in a relationship type situation. Whether it be with a spouse, partner, parent, friend or sibling. Bpd is only prevalent in these types of relationships.
When I began dating my boyfriend, I was unaware of how bad my BPD, depression, and anxiety had become. As different situations arised, my reactions to them were extreme. I had bouts of rage that were sparked by miniscule things. I would rage sometimes for days.
My boyfriend, over time, began to notice signs and symptoms similar to those that he had experienced. He discussed with me about what he had been through. I reached out for help from a therapist. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and borderline personality disorder.
After being diagnosed, I felt shame for awhile. I felt as though there was something wrong with me. But the more I learned about my disorder, the more I understood it. This also became my starting point that lead me to where I am now.
Road to Recovery
Having to find myself again and deal with my disorder has been such an eye opening and rejuvenating experience. Although it has definitely had its share of ugly. Finding recovery alone is difficult. Finding recovery while in a relationship, can be twice as hard.
In our relationship, we have definitely had our fair share of ugly. I had at times allowed my emotions to overpower my thinking and reasoning. I had for a moment been lost.
With the support from my children and family, who have always been my greatest supporters, and my boyfriend who is my best friend. I felt invincible and I knew recovery was possible.
Everyday is a daily battle with myself. Learning to rid my mind of my old ways, and become a whole new person can be draining. Some days get hard and I want to give up. But with every challenge life throws at me, its another chance for me to level up.
Life is all about challenges. I used to look at them as obstacles or barriers. Now I understand they are challenges to make us or break us. We have the choice to not let our disorder create our borders.
We must show others that what they think is our weakness is actually our strength. We learn to be more empathetic to others, to understand and support those who are experiencing the same battles as us. To help teach others how to deal with their disorders and live full happy lives. To show them that recovery is and will always continue to be possible.
I truly believe that people are placed in your life at certain times, for a certain purpose. For some, that means coming into your life for a moment, some for an extended period of time, some for a certain situation.
Then there are those that are placed in your life at a significant time. People who truly impact your life in a way that no one else has. My family has always had a huge impact in my life. Although they aren’t perfect, but they manage to always be there for me when needed most. I am fortunate in that.
My boyfriend has definitely had a huge impact in my life. I believe he was placed in my life at the right time for what God knew I needed. Like I said before, things don’t always come in a way you would expect.
We never know what tomorrow brings. It is something I can not control. So I am learning to live day by day. One thing I do know is that my boyfriend has in so many unexpected ways been such a great support. In moments when I was at my worst, he made me feel loved.
Everyday is not a fairy tale. He has his moments of relapse due to my acting out with BPD and it can be overwhelming. But we don’t give up. We become stronger. We stick it through. We learn more about each other everyday and how to deal with every situation, and every time it gets easier.
I am blessed to have this kind of support in such a crucial, rediscovering part of my life. I don’t know how I could of done it without them. I would encourage everyone to find someone in your life that will give you the support that you need and deserve. You are not alone. There are many others out there looking for the same support. Find a support group in your area.
For more information on support, click the link to help you find a group in your area. https://www.mhanational.org/find-support-groups