Can I do this?
I can clearly remember the feeling of fear that came over me that night. Although I had spent weeks preparing for this. The panic and anxiety caused a big knot in my stomach that made me want to vomit. I had even taken a public speaking class, just to prepare for this night.
Now here I was allowing this fear to settle into my mind, obviously chained together with self-doubt and anxiety. It was a matter of time before it took me captive once again. I knew I could not let this stop me from experiencing what could be such a euphoric moment in my life.
I chose to face my fear and stand before thousands of people at my college graduation and give my speech as a graduate speaker in my class. As intimidating as it was, I stood up and delivered that speech the best I could.
At that moment, I experienced an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment. I felt a sense of purpose. I had almost allowed fear to rob that from me. I would have missed out on one of the proudest moments of my life. All because I was afraid of the unknown…afraid of what was on the other side of fear.
I realize how much I do this when it comes to my everyday life and with my journey to recovery. It’s the not knowing, the uncertainty. For me, not having control or not knowing what tomorrow brings, fills me with fear.
Until recently, I began to realize more and more, that a lot of my angry outbursts come about when I feel as though I do not have control over certain areas in my life. One of my biggest triggers usually happens within my relationships.
After dealing with toxic, abusive relationships, it gradually took a toll on me mentally. Each experience, creating a new trauma that did not truly heal but only developed a scar. A scab that from time to time, seems to reopen just to bleed and let out what has been building up inside underneath.
Fear has kept me from letting my wound fully heal. One of my biggest obstacles with BPD and anxiety is learning that I can not control what tomorrow brings. I can only live in today and do what is necessary today to make tomorrow a more productive and successful day.
That is why we have to learn how to actively live in the now. Because if we are living worried about the future, we can not lay down the necessary stepping stones today, to get us prepared for what we want to happen tomorrow.
As we live our lives day by day, we see at the moment what will be needed in order for our lives to be successful. We are to spend our time every day, carefully planting, creating, and building our plan for what is to come tomorrow.
Living in the past keeps us from even beginning to prepare anything for our lives. How can we build moving forward, when our gear is always stuck in reverse. We are blinded by our own past and it keeps us from preparing for tomorrow.
I let fear control my life for so long…I still have many fears that I need to overcome. I allowed fear to rob me of my dignity and my worth. As a domestic abuse survivor, one thing I know is that fear is a spirit. It can only frighten you as long as you let it.
Conquering your fear is not easy. It’s not impossible either. I am intrigued by people who have had life be not so kind. Yet, they decide to face their fears head-on, and because of their determination become success stories. The choice is up to you. Are you going to keep being afraid? Or are you going to stare fear in the face and say “not this time!”
Once you begin to face your fears, it becomes liberating. You know that there is nothing that can hold you back from accomplishing your goals. We would definitely be amazed at what we can find for ourselves, on the other side of fear!