Emotions(friend or foe?)
Our lives are surrounded by so many different kinds of relationships. We all have a need for human connection in some way or another. We all want to have that special someone in our lives. Relationships that help us flourish and become better.
For those living with borderline personality disorder, this becomes a very difficult challenge. Having BPD makes us more in touch emotionally with others, which could be a great thing in a relationship. But at the same time, those same emotions could also be our greatest hindrance.
There is a saying that best describes how I feel. “I feel everything and nothing all at once.” When I feel an emotion, I feel it ten times stronger than most. While also being able to feel numb to the things going on around me. I didn’t see that my emotions were out of control. My anger would become rage, my sadness became depression, my joy became excitement. Everything I felt was to an extreme.
In my relationships, this was not necessarily the healthiest thing. It is hard when you are trying to manage your emotions and your mind is a screaming, chaotic pot full of extreme thoughts and emotions all mixed in together causing extreme reactions.
I pushed many people away because I didn’t think anything was wrong, and because I never stopped to really look at the effect that it was truly having on those around me. For many years, I tried to put on a good face in my relationships. Pretending that things were great.
All the while, things were not great. I felt empty, incomplete. Something was missing. I began seeking love and dealing with abuse to keep from having to deal with my abandonment. This was something I had become used to. Many on the outside never knew what was brewing beneath the surface of my relationships. I tried keeping our secret between the two of us.
I thought that no one else was going through what I was going through. I felt as if I was the only one dealing with these emotions. I didn’t want others to know that my life isn’t perfect. But I quickly found out. I wasn’t the only one going through this.
On my journey to recovery, I have come to find out that so many relationships, not just romantic, have these same struggles. Many don’t even know that they may be dealing with an untreated mental illness. Yet, for fear of the stigma and how they may be perceived as “crazy”, many don’t seek the proper help.
Many relationships fail for this reason. We grow up never healing our wounds. Letting them only scar up but not truly heal. The wounds from our childhood, from past abuse. These traumas sometimes become disorders that are left untreated. Once those scars are ripped open, they bleed worse than the first time and never heal properly.
As I learn more and more about my disorder, I am able to slowly work at each emotion and my reactions to them. I feel comfortable in my relationships, knowing that we are not perfect and that every day is a learning experience. Striving to create new healthy relationships that will only strengthen my circle.
As some relationships strengthen, others weaken. This journey will definitely teach you who is truly there for you and your best interests. Then there are those who only see how they benefit from you. Those are the ones you learn to lose as you move forward in finding and creating the best version of you.
As always, never think that you are alone. There are so many others who are going through the same struggles. Knowing that relationships are not always going to be perfect. Having tough times and seeing your weakness is the only way to be empowered, Because once you see what needs to be fixed. You can only go up from there.