Trapped

It’s been over one year since I realized that I have been dealing with mental disorders that I decided I needed to change and find a solution to. I always thought that building anything takes a lot more time and patience than breaking something down. But when it came to the walls I had built, it proved to be the exact opposite.

The walls I built had come over time. Years actually. I came to a realization that there were traumas and scars that I allowed to slowly build a wall, brick by brick, around my mind. This was to try and protect it. Only to have trapped my mind within those same walls.

In my relationships, I would look out past my wall and see where the other person went wrong. Yet these walls kept me from revealing my own weaknesses. It kept me from being vulnerable. It kept me from being hurt. Or so I thought.

As I continued to see what others did wrong and how they hurt me, it began a spark of anger in me. With time, that spark of anger began to enrage a forest fire, that at times could be contained. Most of the time, it burned out of control. Breaking down these walls had proved to be much harder than I thought.

Control

My biggest hindrance has been my anger. This is the monster outside of the walls that I built. It’s the only one that I can not keep out. I have tried different ways to keep him from entering, yet he always manages to slip through.

This is a battle I continue to fight from behind these mental walls that I built for myself. Trying to keep me partially hidden from this monster that attacks daily. He uses every device possible to attack and find my triggers. Trying every day to spark a fire that will burn out of control.

My greatest hurdle has been learning how to not let anger even begin to step foot within my walls. But when it does, learn to reign it in and control it. I have come to realize that the answer to my anger is not keeping it out. But allowing it in and gaining the upper hand.

I understand that anger is an emotion we all have. I also know that anger was given to us for a reason. I also can experience healthy anger. I just have to come out from behind those walls and learn to handle everything that goes on outside of them.

Conclusion

I have to accept that although life can be scary when everything feels uncontrollable, I ultimately do have full control of how I handle them. One brick at a time. Taking down my walls and knowing that even without those walls, I have full control.

I am learning to love myself more and more every day. There are still times when I am very hard on myself and hate what I allow myself to feel. But I can’t give up. Being on this journey has taught me so much about myself. I have grown more mentally and emotionally this year than I ever have.

I am on a mission to completely become the person that God created me to be. On the way, I have met others who are on this journey with me. Different roads but the same destination. I learn from others and I do my best to show others what I have learned. The road to recovery may at times feel lonely and pointless. but when you think about all that you could miss out on from not being the best version of yourself, it makes it worth it.