There is undeniably no scarier feeling in a relationship than having to be vulnerable. When you are someone who has a borderline personality disorder, this becomes almost a nightmare.
We already tend to feel things much more extreme than others. Now, having to open me up all over again emotionally can be almost crippling. Each day, I discover that there is something new that is keeping me from reaching my full potential.
Although most things have been maybe not easy. I have had less fear of conquering them. When it comes to being completely vulnerable. It has proven to be another story. This is where my greatest opponent has confronted me.
People go around fighting invisible battles every day. Everyone has that one opponent that they just can’t seem to conquer. For me, it all lies in my vulnerability. Something I would not have realized had my partner not pointed it out.
If there is one thing that I honestly can’t stand is someone telling me what I am doing wrong and being right about it. Hearing the truth is not always an easy pill to swallow. But once that pill is taken, the effects begin to take place. You start to slowly notice things about yourself that you didn’t see before. You see where changes can be made.
I have been in relationship after relationship and have dealt with abuse and betrayal. These traumas unknowingly have left me with not only trust issues but has also left me with a terrifying feeling of being completely vulnerable to anyone.
For someone like me, who likes to have things in control, it is so difficult to let go without knowing what is going to happen. Especially when it could really damage me in some way. Risk having my heart exposed? Risk being taken advantage of?
I undoubtedly was doing this to myself anyway. My own fears were constantly pushing those I loved most away from me. As much as I thought I was keeping them close, the farther away they went. Until eventually, they disappeared.
Why couldn’t I just be the way I was before all of this? Why was I so afraid of being hurt? This is where my self-discovery journey comes into play. As I learned more about myself and read more about what I was experiencing, I began to notice things.
My boyfriend began to point out things to me that no one had ever shown me before. He began to notice things in me that he had dealt with in the past and he understood. He would point things out that would at the moment, piss me off. In those moments where I spent time by myself, I would sit and reflect and think about what I could have done differently.
Part of finding yourself and changing your habits is listening to those who love you most. Even when what they are telling us is not always what we want to hear. The hardest part is taking the information and applying it. Especially when you are upset. But change requires listening and applying. It took me 40+ years to realize this.
As I continue to battle my invisible opponent, I gain insight into myself. I inch forward with every small achievement. I know this is my greatest conquest. But I also know that I am my own worst enemy. As long as I continue to be determined in what I want for my life, there will be no one else who can fulfill my purpose.
Keeping your eye on the prize helps to distract you from the things around you that make you want to give up. The road to recovery is a long bumpy road full of potholes. Making sure you avoid those potholes takes being aware at all times. Spending more time being in the moment. It may not be easy but it is such a fulfilling moment when you finally experience it.