I have been on my own journey for the last two years of rediscovering myself, finding happiness within myself, and really valuing and appreciating my worth and my talents. I am working through understanding my past traumas and how these events led me to dealing with depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder.
The truth is, the more I think I learn, the more I realize that there is so much I don’t know. That there is so much that I still need to discover about myself. I’ve learned to see every day as a teacher and I am the student learning the ins and outs of this life. Not to mention the curve balls that life throws at us from time to time. More times than not.
I continue to fight many things within myself. It’s almost like going through self purging. I try to empty out every night so that I can take in what the dawn of the new day has for me to learn. It can definitely be a struggle. This is not only how I am learning to grow but also to slowly free myself from the borders that I allowed my disorder to create within my own mind.
Feeling emotions as raw as I do can honestly be such a roller coaster and it has it’s effects on the mind, body, and soul. As I spend time retraining my brain, my eyes are opened more each time and I am becoming consciously aware of my actions and my thoughts. I had for some reason “fallen asleep at the wheel”. Unfortunately, many of us live this way. We all have so much more control over our minds and emotions than we begin to understand.
As life goes on, we fall into the comfort of our lifestyles and suddenly begin to operate on autopilot. We create a routine that feels comfortable to us. We suddenly fall asleep to everything else around us. We allow all the negative garbage around us to begin to fill and destroy our minds slowly. Television, news, social media, entertainment industry, pressure from society, and the list goes on and on.
This is what had happened to me. I was in a place where everything felt comfortable to me. Not taking on new ventures for fear of failing or of the unknown. Fear of what others thought. Never doing what I really wanted. Just accepting my routine and not much else. Change became scary and foreign to me. Until one day, I drifted back from my sleep state.
I began to realize how much time had gone by and everything that I had missed along the way. How did I miss these things if I was living them? I was living on autopilot. I stopped really paying attention to the things that mattered. I allowed the negativity to completely consume me and blind me from the things I could accomplish and become. I had settled.
Life is all about change. We are all about adaptation. Nothing is meant to stay the same. That is why we age. To go through phases, learning as we go. As we get older, we take the wisdom that we have learned and pass it on to the generations after us. Teaching them to not make the same mistakes and to make better choices than the ones that we made.
You have to take the time to fill your mind with positivity. Surround yourselves with those who are going to fill you with positivity and loving reprimand. Those who will hold you accountable. Finding ways to shut out negativity, like shutting off the television for a while. Believe me, this makes a huge difference.
I have learned to spend my time reading, writing, learning. Filling myself with knowledge and uncovering more about how to function in this crazy world we live in. Understanding my disorders and my mind. I want to fully understand myself and all of my inner workings.
I understand that I have so much more to learn and grow. It has been a tough journey but a fulfilling one. Freeing myself from depression and anxiety and learning to live with BPD had until now proven to be one of my greatest feats to accomplish.
I am slowly making great strides at continuing this commitment I have made to myself. To be the best me that I could possibly be. Although I have so much more work to do, I take pride in the accomplishments I have made thus far. The wall of China was built brick by brick and took a long time to put up. So it works the same way tearing down the walls that I built for myself. brick by brick.
As I slowly tear down each brick, it gives me more and more insight into what is outside those walls. A sneak peek as to what is waiting for me beyond my barriers. A world where I decide who I want to be. Letting go of each trauma with each brick that is knocked down. Slowly freeing myself and allowing me to awaken to a world where nothing is impossible except what I make impossible. Knowing that my disorders no longer create my borders.