Learning to let go of anything that you have grown accustomed to can be difficult for anyone. Although change is inevitable, there is no easy way around it. But how we think and react to change determines how we deal with our everyday situations.
For most, change can be exciting but also scary. For someone with borderline personality disorder, it can be emotionally overwhelming. Before I was diagnosed, many of the symptoms that I suffered from seemed normal to me. I was good. I didn’t have a problem. It was everyone else.
Although others played a role in my past traumas, and definitely contributed to my mental mess. I realized that I ultimately controlled how I was going to handle each situation. How was I going to use this experience to better myself?
I have realized that letting go doesn’t always mean being okay with it. There are many times when we know that letting go of certain behaviors, people, addictions, emotions, etc, is not easy or fun. But you know that in the end it is going to benefit you indefinitely.
For me specifically, it was letting go of my old ways of thinking and replacing them with new thoughts. Talk about tiring and draining! Learning to let go afraid. I became scared of the unknown, of not having control or the fear of losing control. My mind created scenarios that played out in ways that seemed overly dramatic.
But as scared as I was, I had to learn to let go. Even if it made me afraid. I had to face my fears. Sometimes we just have to do things afraid. Knowing that whatever limitations we place on ourselves will be limitless on the other side of fear.
Not knowing, not having control, feels unsure and unsafe. But with time, I began to realize that by not letting go, I was destroying myself slowly. I had to change my behavior. For my peace, my sanity, for me. So I did it afraid.
The process of letting go has been an ugly one. It has been an emotional tug-of-war. My mind fighting itself. Letting go of old ways of thinking and creating new pathways. This has been the hardest challenge I have come across and continue to confront on a daily basis.
Finding freedom from anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder has definitely come at a price. I have had to re-self evaluate myself and everything I thought was normal and begin to find the real me. Not the person the world had normalized but who I was truly meant to be. And honestly, I didn’t imagine it to be this hard.
Nothing worth anything comes easy in this life. Some of us are dealt a harsher hand in life and mentally it affects us in ways we become numb to or normalize to keep us from dealing with them. But to become your true self, it takes work, discipline, daily dying to self, and finding wisdom.
None of these things come easy. But the reward can be priceless. The things that require the most work, have the greatest payoff. It is a choice. You must choose to want to be better and happy with yourself before anything. In order to function for those around you, you have to be well yourself.
Finding hope that every morning that you wake up is a new opportunity to make things new. Disciplining yourself to create higher thinking within your mind. Filling yourself with knowledge and better understanding yourself will only help to elevate your mind to a whole new level.
Having borderline personality disorder, for me, has been a hidden blessing. It has forced me to face my fears and develop new ways to deal with them every day. I discover new things about myself and those around me and how to build better stronger relationships. How to better deal with the daily stresses of life.
The greatest part of your journey is watching yourself evolve. To see what you once thought impossible become possible. To see the world in a whole new light and begin to understand that every person has a different experience, a different destination, and a different way of getting there has been enlightening. Learning to take in and cherish every moment on this journey is what life is all about.