Being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder was truly life changing for me in many ways. In the beginning I was relieved that I could better understand my emotions and why I was reacting the way I did. It explained why I was so emotionally unstable at times. I understood I was broken and needed some mending.
With time, I also began to slowly let this disorder define me. It became my crutch to excuse my behavior or to allow it to continue as long as it did. I had empowered my disorder to create a border around me. I thought it would protect me, keep me safe and keep others from hurting me.
What I did not realize was that that same border which I had enclosed myself in, was slowly closing itself in on me. It began to keep me confined in my same thoughts and emotions. Instead of protecting me from others hurting me, I was using it as a way to hurt others without even knowing it.
This boundary kept me from seeing the bigger picture that lay just outside it’s lines. My mind free without any borders or limitations. Free from my emotional roller coaster. I knew in order for me to reach this, it would not be a walk in the park. It would require discipline, awareness, and daily work.
It also required me to reach out to a professional who would better help me understand my disorder and show me effective ways to deal with it. I also knew that knowledge is power. Knowing more about my disorder and how it affects me would give me the base that I needed to begin making drastic changes.
This obviously did not happen overnight. My clarity eventually came through exhaustion. Tired of being tired. Worn out from the hamster wheel I had created in my mind. Becoming frustrated with myself for allowing my emotions to hurt others and in turn hurt myself and my relationships. I wanted something different. I desired to cross over the borders that my disorder had created.
I have always been someone to have a lot of faith. Faith is to be sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I knew that if I put my faith and work together, I would begin to see the mental freedom I had envisioned for myself. My mental cloud 9.
Stepping Out (conclusion)
As I slowly step outside my borders, I begin to discover that with faith, hard work, and discipline, nothing is impossible. Knowing that although my disorder will not just go away, I can find healthier more manageable ways to deal with my emotions. Retraining your brain is a process. It may be a slow transitional process but nonetheless, it is a step forward in the right direction.
I can’t begin to express how amazed I am at the power that the human mind holds. We are capable of so much more than we can even begin to imagine. We see it in the news and on social media. Times when you hear or see of incredible feats that we as humans are able to accomplish. Sometimes we become our worst enemy mentally and physically.
Seeking knowledge, shutting off negativity, holding on to faith, focusing on growth, and developing your mind will help you and those around you continue growing. Never give up! You never know what is waiting just around the corner…