With this year quickly coming to an end, I sit and think about how 2021 was the year that I had always anticipated yet dreaded at the same time. I have always feared having to sit and face my true self. Having to deal with all the hurt and pain that has kept me in bondage for so long. Reliving difficult and painful moments that I had tucked away, never to be dealt with again.
At the same time, I was excited. I always imagined a time when I would feel free. Not physically, but mentally. A time when I could learn to let go of all the trauma in the past. When I could thoroughly learn to forgive and let my mind be at ease. Understanding that everything that I went through served a purpose. To make me the person I am today.
Our experiences are unique for a reason. We each have a path to follow that will create a new pathway for someone else. A legacy. Leaving behind a mark on this world in some way, shape, or form. A path for others to follow. Knowing that your journey will light the way for another. Allowing the world to see you existed with an objective.
Being a mother of four children, two girls, and two boys. I know the importance of having to be a good role model. I was blessed with the opportunity to be given the responsibility of mothering four amazing children. Unfortunately, becoming a mother young came as a harsh lesson in life that taught me to grow up quickly.
I didn’t always make the best choices regarding my parenting skills. I made some terrible choices along the way. Time is the one thing we can not get back. I can not sit and sulk about what could have been and how things could have been different. But I can think about how I am going to move forward and make this new year a year of success for my family and myself.
It doesn’t always matter where we start but where we end. Being diagnosed with BPD, anxiety, and depression gave me a whole new understanding of myself and the situations that I had created that led me to where I am today. It was my starting point. Accepting that there is something wrong and that it’s okay was a very humbling experience.
Although it was my starting point, that’s all it was. You have to choose to step forward blindly, not knowing what may happen, but confident that you can move forward. I chose to use my diagnosis as a spring board to recovery. I dove in head first. I am so thankful I did.
Above all, I began the journey that opened so many doors for me. It allowed me to freely grow and not only grow but enjoy the growth as I saw it unfold before me. Watching myself become the woman that I was always meant to be has been a surreal experience.
I am excited to see what this new year will bring. Knowing that I am my own worst enemy means I need to learn how to become my own best friend. Having a mental disorder does not have to limit you from reaching your full potential. Our minds are powerful muscles that can be retrained. If you are willing to put in the work that it takes, even if it may be difficult, is well worth the journey.
Change begins with you. It is a choice. Taking what life throws at you and either striking out or hitting a home run. But if you choose to make it big, it will take dedication, perseverance, patience, faith and discipline. This year choose to not only make a new years resolution. Choose to mentally free yourself. To shift your perspective on life. To make 2022 the year where you finally reach your mental cloud 9.