Fear of abandonment. One of the most difficult challenges that I had to face when it came to my borderline personality disorder. It was the one symptom that triggered my whole being into another level. It sent my emotions into a whirlwind.
Looking back at where I was 2 years ago and how far I’ve come. I have seen such a significant change in how I react and how I perceive each situation so much more differently than I would have before.
Progress is subtle. So subtle at times that you barely notice a change. But I honestly mean that any small step forward is a step in the right direction. With time, you begin to see the changes, and so do those around you.
My fear of abandonment was so overwhelming that I was willing to change myself and my beliefs to accommodate those around me. I was willing to hold on to what was hurting me for fear of losing it. Even if it was terrible. I allowed a lot of hurt and pain into my life this way.
Many carry out their lives like this daily. We allow our true nature to be hidden for fear of losing certain relationships. I understand how hard it is to lose or let go of any relationship. For me, the anxiety almost killed me. Sometimes in letting go, we gain more. Many times, unknowingly.
At this time, 2 years ago, my life was getting ready to take a spin in a direction I never saw coming. I was blind-sighted by what life was going to throw at me. Not because life didn’t know what it was doing, but because I was too close to see it. I needed to stand back and take a look at the bigger picture.
I failed to realize 2 years ago that this was the beginning of a journey that I never had imagined for myself. Amid my chaos, God had begun to set a path for me that would take me places I had never even thought of. A new kind of roller coaster. Both highs and lows.
One important lesson that my journey has taught me is that even though I thought I had control over my life, I really didn’t. I couldn’t control it then and still can’t prevent what will happen in the future or even 10 minutes from now. I can only set my feet, focus in the right direction, and walk.
God lays out a path for each of us in this life. We are given directions and clues along the way on how to maneuver through it. Making it to the end involves a partnership. Trusting your spiritual source for guidance. I have concluded that the road is laid out for me. I can’t control in which direction the road will turn or curve, where its destination will be, or what distractions will come along the way.
But I do have control of my vision and my direction. I control which direction I point them in and how I choose to focus. I decide to walk forward or backward. Progress isn’t always in just moving forward. There are times when going a few steps backward is also progress. Recognizing your pitfalls and avoiding them by going back and going around helps you get to the next stage.
I know that as long as I control the direction, my feet travel along that path and stay focused on where the course is taking me. Then I am confident that even though I go through distractions on the road, I can look down at my feet, repoint them in the right direction, and continue with my walk. Everything else will fall in place.
Understanding that most things are out of our control except ourselves shifts perspective. Each distraction or obstruction is carefully placed to let you see the danger in it and recognize it. That way, when you come upon that same distraction, you are better able to manage it and focus on conquering more significant obstacles.
When you think about it, sometimes the thing we fear the most is the one thing that will bring us ultimate peace. We may not have the control to hold on to certain relationships. As debilitating as that may seem to some as it was for me. Healing is found in the process of letting go.
Learning to let go will always be the daily progress of learning. In that process, I understand that as I let go, I grow. Like a camera coming into focus, the more you see yourself closer, the rest behind you seems to blur and not seem so important anymore. Sometimes the lens will adjust, and the things behind you clear up for a moment. But that’s it, just for a moment. Then you come back into focus, and everything makes sense. Find your mental cloud 9 by letting go and letting yourself grow.