“If you’re always trying to be normal, you’ll never know how amazing you can be.”
Going through the back and forth battle within me. Fighting my negative thoughts from taking over. Doing my best to not let my emotions seep through on the outside. Emotionally drained from keeping my anger and insecurities under control. I had to find a way to get this under control. There was only room for one of us…
Dealing with BPD has been such a daily battle. I have made considerable strides in the last two years. Sometimes I get comfortable thinking that I have overcome certain personality traits, only to find it slowly creeping its way back.
Having borderline personality disorder and learning to overcome it is a daily battle. It does not have a cure, but it can be managed to experience a peaceful life. Then again, it takes awareness, determination, and discipline. Your disorder does not have to be your border.
My boyfriend had begun a small joke within my family that I turn into Margarita (my middle name) when I get angered or overwhelmed. My spicy Latin side takes control. Then there is Silvia, who is the complete opposite. Although it was his silly way of describing my reactions, it captures the vast array of emotions inside me at times.
It feels like I spend more time fighting with myself than with anyone else. I always try to keep my emotions in check. Being aware of my behavior and my reactions. Talking myself through certain situations that may trigger my anxiety. Questioning everything that I am doing at times.
Most days, I wake up feeling great and optimistic about life and how blessed l really am. I get up mentally refreshed and ready to tackle whatever obstacle comes my way. Then there are days when Margarita creeps in, and my whole mood and temperament change. I feel stressed out, anxious, and uneasy.
I begin a daily tug of war with myself, Finding ways to battle my mind and encouraging myself to not allow my negativity to take over. I constantly imagine my mind as a big room where thoughts come through like movie slides, and I am on constant watch so that I can push the unwanted thoughts out of my mental theatre before they even enter and settle.
It can definitely be a draining experience. Many times you may want to give up. But if you stay determined, once you begin to learn yourself and understand your emotions a little more, you can learn how to control them. Every day is little progress forward, and nothing happens overnight. It takes steps, Sometimes tiny baby steps. Either way, it’s progress in the right direction.
I am beginning to understand that there is only room for one. In the end, I hold the key to who will govern in my mind. Silvia or Margarita? This may sound like an easy choice. But it is a choice that has to be made daily. Every day I have to get up and choose to push the negativity out of my mind, choose to move on from my pain, choose to be a better me today than yesterday.
I have to learn to make room for only one daily. I must not allow the back and forth pull between my BPD and my emotions. Our minds and bodies only have room for one. In the end, you must choose who you will allow complete control.
In the end, I choose myself. I choose to not let my disorder define me. I choose to not let the stigma of this disorder limit my capabilities; I choose to step up and challenge myself every day. I choose me. Silvia. I choose to love me and care for me. To allow me to see my value through my eyes and no one else’s.
Make a choice to put YOU first. It is vital to your everyday existence. To give love, you must have that genuine love for yourself first. Choosing you will not only benefit your mind, body, and spirit, but it will benefit each and every person that comes in contact with you. You can be the change that sparks the change in another.