Something had to change
For many years, I felt like I’d been walking around living life through the eyes of others. I noticed that I rarely enjoyed life the way I wanted to. I had many joys and reasons to celebrate. But for some reason, I felt that I still had not been able to enjoy life to the fullest.
I have always been the type of person who is compassionate. I do my best to make sure that those around me are content, even at the expense of my own happiness. As I got older, this began to affect my life in more ways than I ever imagined. Having BPD, anxiety, depression, and choosing to put others above me really dragged me down.
I would constantly find myself in bad relationships and situations because of my poor choices led by primary emotion. I always thought about the opinions and cares of others above my own. I needed to take my mind back. I knew something had to change.
The real truth
I could tell you some heroic story of how I overcame this and became victorious overnight. Or I can tell you the ugly truth. This is going to be an ongoing process. Even having to admit that I had this problem was an awful realization. I began to understand that everyone has their fair share of crazy in this world. I was no different than most. Each one displayed differently, but all to some degree. I just needed to discipline myself, change myself, understand my process, and grow from it.
I have said it many times before, “there is no harder road to walk than the road to discovering yourself.” Even though the walk is challenging, the destination is worthwhile. Being free in your own skin, free in your mind, is the most liberating feeling you could experience.
I began this journey two years ago, never expecting to go through my experiences. At 44 years old, my journey has only begun. Life is what you make of it. TIme can not be given back, but you can make the latter years better. There is nothing better than experiencing life in a place of wisdom and freedom.
Until now, I am still learning who I am. My faults, my weaknesses, and my emotions. But with that, I am discovering my beauty, intelligence, strengths, and abilities. I am slowly learning to love myself for myself. Feeling comfortable in my own skin. I am also slowly learning to take my mind back.
This has definitely been the most challenging part for me. Allowing myself to have a voice. Unafraid of how I am going to make the next person feel. Finding my true independence by listening to the one voice that matters most. Mine. God allowed me to have a voice, and I must be able to stand up and use it without fear.
One day at a time (conclusion)
Now comes the toughest part. To begin to take that deep look at yourself. That look that goes down into the depths of your soul and really self-examines. Not from a place of pity or victim mentality, but to strengthen yourself. To patch the holes that need healing. Take your trauma and not allow it to define you and rise above your situation.
Every day from that point on is just that. One day at a time. You learn to take your recovery journey one day at a time. Continuing to self-examine yourself daily, accepting your weaknesses, and turning them into strengths. It may get exhausting at times. But when you begin to see and feel the transformation, it gives you the motivation you need to keep going.
You are not alone in this journey. Many others walk this path alongside you. Each is destined with their own way, yet forward in the same direction. Reach out to others who are walking that path with you. Inspire others with your journey. Learn to love yourself and become who you truly want to be. Take the steps necessary to take your mind back.