Having BPD or borderline personality disorder can be tricky. The rawness of your emotions coupled with overthinking, impulsivity, and anger make for a cocktail of disaster at times. It causes you to feel like a nuisance to those closest to you. I lived this way for years. I allowed my disorder to define me.
When you begin to understand your disorder and really understand yourself, you become more internally aware of your actions. You start to realize when your emotions are out of whack and do your best to reel them back in. Once you have learned to self-evaluate yourself and your actions, it gets easier to control your reaction.
As I went through my healing process, I found myself subconsciously falling back into my old ways. I had become so used to my anger and reaction to situations that I often turned back to what had become my norm. At times, I tried to use my disorder to justify my actions. At times, I knew that I was overreacting, and instead of trying to control it, I used my disorder as a way of acting out. This was doing more harm than good.
I realized that instead of dealing with certain emotions that were hard for me to process, I reverted to my old ways to avoid them. My BPD was bringing people down. Mostly in my relationship. I hurt others when I was hurt.
I had allowed this disorder to define me and keep me subjected to the same usual routine of anger, sadness, and depression. I had to push myself by internally keeping myself in check. I had to tell myself that I understood that my reaction was not healthy and that I had to find a better way to express myself.
There were many times when I could not control my depression or my anger. That is when I sought professional help to get me through the parts I could not understand or deal with on my own. This gave me the tools and resources that I needed to help me in my journey to finding my mental peace.
Becoming more aware allows you to gain more control of your mind and emotions. Learning to keep yourself in check is essential. We often don’t have anyone around to help us due to pushing those around us away. You must practice internal self-talk every day. As you become more conscious of your actions, you can better handle your impulsivity.
Our BPD is not meant to bring people down; it is intended to Bring Positive Determination. “We must be the change we want to see in the world.” That is why we were given this challenge. To prove to others that nothing is impossible when you really set your mind to it. Let us use our disorder to overcome and empower.
Focus on building yourself up. Find strength in your higher power, and use every day as a new canvas to start a unique masterpiece. In turn, you will create the world you want. It will shift your perspective and begin to show you life in a whole new way.