It makes me feel angry whenever these thoughts pop up in my mind. I think about all the unnecessary abuse and hurt that I put myself through for others. How vulnerable I became in hopes of happily ever after. Only to find myself making the same bad choices over and over again.
How did I damage my mind so critically that I began to push others away just to keep from being hurt in the same way again? BPD had become my defense mechanism. My way of putting a type of force field around my emotions.
This has been my way of dealing with my fear of abandonment. Hurt or be hurt. Kind of silly when you think about it. But as silly as it may sound, this is the reality for many of us with BPD. A fact we live with on a day-to-day basis.
Many people start out with a good heart and good intentions. Slowly, after so much hurt and pain, the mind starts to find its own way of dealing with this trauma. This seems to be the most challenging part.
One of the best ways to describe what BPD is to me is compared to the turtle of a shell. My BPD is my shell. Without it, everything underneath is exposed and raw and feels funny. It became my protective covering, what I lug around with me every day on my back, it keeps me from exposing all the great things about me.
This was how I viewed my life for a very long time. Sometimes it would make me feel so down that it stopped me from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The wonderful thing about the mind is that it can be retrained. It may take more work and discipline for some than others, but it is not impossible.
The hardest part is learning to control the subconscious mind. It is one thing to tuck away the superficial, visible emotions, but what about the trauma we don’t deal with? The trauma that the mind tucks away deep down inside.
When I realized that I have control of my mind and how I perceive the world around me, I wanted to learn more about controlling my symptoms. It took me to catch myself every time I became aware of a BPD symptom and find different ways of dealing with them.
Failure & triumph
I can honestly say I have failed in my walk and still fail to do so at times. Although, I have disciplined myself to continue learning and growing every day. As the days and years go by, I see the improvement, boosting my self-confidence. It allows me to see more of my value and my achievements.
I have had some very tough days. Just me and BPD. BPD is a wall meant to keep others out but also kept me locked up inside. She became the refuge in my times of hurt. She became the wings that covered me when I felt attacked. Or so I thought.
In the end, I sought my refuge in the one thing that was slowly swallowing me up whole. It became my pit. I had to slowly crawl my way out. The loosening of the ground below me as I am crawling upward can be exhausting, having a small view of what is ahead, is worth the work.
As I slowly free myself and step out from behind these walls, it is unfamiliar, a different world. Exciting and also frightening. I begin to shed my old self, and my new self is entering into a world where God has a plan and a purpose for my life.
I am entering a world where I can survive without the shell. Where there is a covering that is far more rewarding than the shell of BPD, a spiritual covering. That guides my path every day and continues to give me the strength to move forward in my journey.
We can begin to live a life that is not necessarily BPD-free but a life that is manageable, peaceful, and a gift to those around us. It is never too late to start. Tomorrow is a new chance to correct yesterday. Make a choice to live life on Mental Cloud 9.