I had always been good enough. With BPD, without BPD, I had always been good enough. I had been too blind to see it. One day something happened. God took the blinders off, and I realized that I had always been good enough…just not good enough for me.
I had been holding myself to impossible standards. Playing the deadly game of comparison. Slowly fading away and feeling nothing. After years of feeling inadequate, a light bulb went off, and I came to a realization. It’s been said that outward beauty fades with age, and this is so true, but it goes so much deeper than that. It is a simple concept that we have heard through the ages, but seeing it from my perspective.
Let me explain. My insecurity issues came from all the infidelity I had experienced in my life, as many of us have. This caused me to have trust issues and not be secure with myself. Because of this, my fear of abandonment kicked into high gear, and just kind of stayed there.
I was always afraid of my partner leaving me or cheating on me. I had begun to break down mentally, affecting me in every way possible. I had lost sight of myself and God’s outstanding traits with which God had blessed me. We all have them, and it is essential to know what your inner strengths are and use them to shine.
I realized that when there is only outward beauty to someone, that beauty begins to fade not just with age but, more importantly, it fades after the genuine person is revealed and the inner soul shadows the outer beauty. But when there is inner beauty, the reverse happens. When the inner person is revealed, their external beauty only becomes more beautiful and refined and compliments what is on the outside.
I began to trust in God, knowing that if I had made it this far and brought myself to where I am in life, I would not have made it without God’s faithfulness. This began a paradigm shift that I had never experienced before. A feeling of enlightenment that has changed how I perceive myself.
I realized that I was made to withstand the storms in my life because God knew I was strong enough to handle them. He placed unique gifts in me that were precisely just for me. I was not made to compare myself with others but to shine in the gifts given to me. For the first time, I saw my strength, my worth. At that moment, I truly saw myself and the significant accomplishments I was capable of.
Many people say it is a conceit to think so highly of yourself. But to understand fully what you are worth and know that you have value and purpose gives you a reason to walk with your head held high with compassion and grace. Not to look down on others, but to feel confident in yourself and what you can do to help others accomplish the same goal.
Life is one big jigsaw puzzle. We spend most of our lives walking around looking for the pieces and slowly finding where they fit. As we begin to put the pieces together, we see the big picture forming.
Sometimes it can be confusing and unclear as we don’t understand what one piece has to do with the other. Still, when we take a step back and really take a deep look, everything begins to make sense, and it gives you the drive to want to finish putting the picture together to see the big picture come to pass.
I now strive to move forward with purpose and direction, continue to put the pieces into my puzzle and finish the work that God started in me. To finally see the big picture come full circle. It is a weight lifted and a refreshing breath of fresh air when you find confidence in your calling. Move forward and never give up, no matter the obstacles. FInish your puzzle and see your life in the big picture that it was meant to be.