Sleepless nights, laying there with thoughts racing over and over. Thinking of every scenario and every reason why, where, how, and what. I clearly remember these nights and the long exhausting days of my Hamster wheel mentality.
Being that I suffered from depression, anxiety, and BPD, I understood this frame of mind all too well. I had days when I would just sit and sulk, thinking about a situation that may not have seemed like a big deal to others. But to me, everything seemed like a drastic decision.
Throughout my life, my BPD kept me from experiencing true happiness. My happiness was very temporary. Until something set off my insecurity, and there I went getting myself wrapped up in the hamster wheel of thoughts that just kept swirling and keeping me trapped in that continually vicious cycle of thoughts that only triggered my anger.
Instead of learning to quiet my mind and find ways to avoid this reasoning, I fanned the flames of my thoughts. I allowed my thoughts to spin in this hamster wheel of chaotic thinking. I had to learn how to deal with this and beat it. I could not allow my thinking to overpower my sane reasoning.
My biggest fear and my greatest roadblock in life and in relationships was creating chaos that I was trying so hard to stop. I allowed my fears to become my reality.
I had been cheated on many times in my relationships. This caused me to develop a specific fear of being cheated on and abandoned by my partner. I allowed these thoughts to play out over and over and over again. I began to lash out emotionally. Full of anger and rage over what had happened to me in the past and bringing that into each new relationship.
When I decided that I could no longer stay in this frame of mind. I decided that I would take baby steps to help me slowly step off of that hamster wheel in my mind. So I began my mental journey.
Every day became a battle with my mind. A good vs. evil type of deal. Every time I felt a negative thought coming in to begin spinning on my wheel, I had to learn to counteract it with a positive thought, with positive self-talk. I had to learn to slowly love myself and take pride in that love.
Much easier said than done. Nothing that brings true freedom will ever be easy to attain. True determination and desperation for complete mental freedom were the driving force behind my change.
I wanted to be free from insecurity, fear of abandonment, free from anxiety, free from negative thoughts, free from creating my own demise. I chose to fight this daily battle to allow my mind to stop spinning in place.
I wanted to break free from the hamster wheel that I had created in my mind. To unhinge that wheel and change its course. Instead of going around and around, I chose to break free and take that wheel, moving only forward and never looking back.
Each day when these thoughts begin to try and flood back in. I change the direction of the wheel. I begin to see the positive in me. The traits that make me and only me. I begin to see the purpose that God put in me and use that to be my driving force to push my wheel forward. Having purpose and a vision helps give you a destination to strive for.
Fear and the unknown will always be our greatest challenges. You will face situations where your thoughts will create your fears. You must learn to feed your mind with positivity. You must learn to begin yourself in a whole new light.
Even if you don’t feel that way, you have to start by getting the wheel moving forward instead of around and around. Fight every negative thought with a positive one. Tell yourself how much you love yourself. Even if you don’t. Force yourself to say positive things to yourself.
Life is a daily battle with the mind. But not a battle that can’t be won. It will probably be the hardest challenge you will ever face. If you seek true freedom from your hamster wheel of thoughts, it is well worth it. Seeing your true potential and uniqueness doesn’t just come overnight for some of us. We must push forward and break that wheel off its hinges to get it to move forward. Your mind and soul will thank you for it.