The uncertainty

The fear of the unknown… One of humanity’s worse fears. We always want to know what is going on around us and to us. When we are left not knowing, it leaves us vulnerable. It leaves our minds wondering. It opens up the mind to begin to create its own scenarios and outcomes. If we are not careful, this can start a mental downward spiral into a tunnel of no return.

One of the greatest daily battles I have with my mind is, keeping my mind from wandering too far ahead of me. To not allow my thoughts to create the anxiety I am trying so hard to avoid. All because of the unknown. Yet, many times, I find myself slowly floating my way down that tunnel. I have to catch myself and begin the slow climb upwards again.

When I look back at how much chaos I allowed my mind to create, and how much damage it caused around me, I am grateful every day to be able to see life differently. To understand and view myself in a way I had not allowed myself to be in a very long time. Secure and confident within myself.

I remember all too clearly, the moments when I felt I had no control over my daily situation. The not knowing. This would begin the whirlwind of thoughts that ended up feeling like a trivia game of life in my mind. Question after question. With so many left unanswered. Driving myself crazy with all the what if’s?

I had not yet learned the meaning of living in the present. I did not grasp the concept of only worrying about today and not about tomorrow. I was always living in the hurts of my pasts and the fears of tomorrow. My mind was never present. It was too tired from traveling back and forth between the past and the future to even stay present for a moment.

It was until I fully understood that no matter how much I worry and stress, it will not change what is meant to be. I needed to learn that I needed to enjoy each moment for what it was. Life is shorter than we think and goes by in a flash. I wanted to enjoy each day for what it was and breathe in every moment of this journey.

Life became so much easier to deal with when I began only looking at it from a daily perspective. I plan for the future knowing that I have no control over it. I have to go with the flow of life and allow it to lead and guide me. Not knowing often fuels me to keep moving forward when I look at it from a different perspective.

There are many techniques that helped me when my mind would begin to wander into its chaotic place. I learned breathing techniques, learned to ground myself, found ways to stay present, and keep my mind from wandering off into the unknown.

As I slowly climb the ladder up to my Mental Cloud 9, to rid myself of depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, I find myself appreciating different things in life. As the blinders are slowly lifted every day more and more, I find pleasure in finding peace within me rather than in the things around me.

As I find this peace, I also understand and perceive the world around me in a whole new way. I am finding what I had been looking for all along in myself. God has chosen to give me a whole new set of eyes developed through pain and struggle. My eyes once veiled by the traumas of my life finally opened through different challenges and situations. I am forever grateful for this and could have never done it without God’s help and His voice always leading me.

Success to many is measured in riches. I feel that material success is much sweeter when mental success comes first. You get to enjoy it from a place of maturity, a place of wisdom, a place where you are a new you. The view and the rewards are gratifying in a whole new way. Suddenly the unknown doesn’t look so scary anymore……..