Fear of abandonment? Self-image issues? Difficulty managing emotions? A pattern of unstable relationships? Impulsive decisions based on your feelings? These are just some of the demons that come with a borderline personality disorder.
These are demons that I battled for most of my life from an early age. I had allowed my mind to find different ways to cope, but most of them were not healthy ways.
I experimented with drugs, alcohol, gangs, and other outlets trying to find some comfort from the emotions that I was experiencing. Growing up, I did not have the knowledge of these disorders as I do now. Most people had never heard of BPD.
As I came to know others who also suffer from BPD, they began to point out that I had some symptoms associated with this disorder and that I should look into it. That is exactly what I did.
I will never forget reading that list and seeing every one of my actions displayed right there in front of me. I was shocked! At first, I felt shame. I didn’t want what I had to have a disorder associated with what I was experiencing. But there it was, and there I was.
I am grateful for those that God puts in our lives at the proper time. He places those who are going to make an impact in some way and helps us re-analyze ourselves.
I had the support that I needed from those closest to me at the time and I was able to slowly learn and grow. I realize that in the process of finding myself, I lost other things in my life. Not knowing that this was going to be part of the process of my growth.
I realized that in life we experience just as we do physically, “growing pains.” There are moments in life when we are tested and we have the option to face our demons or run the opposite way. I chose to face my demons. I chose to grow.
This was a growth that I was not prepared for. This time, it really hurt. This battle was a battle that I knew would change my life forever. I came to find myself in a place of chaos. I found myself in the hell I had created for myself.
The demons that I had to face this time were bigger than any I had ever faced before. These demons looked just like me. They were the insecure side of me, the side of me that was always afraid of losing control for fear of losing the other person.
The Bigger Picture
Having had a shift in perspective due to situations that I had to face and deal with, I realized that even though the next person may be better, they will never be me. As there will never be another you. Everyone holds unique value. Everyone is a shiny penny looking to be part of the ninety-nine so they can feel complete as one.
We are all small pieces of the puzzle to a picture so much greater than we can ever see or imagine. As we connect with others, we get to see life through a different lens, and it gives us a different perspective on life. As those pieces come together, we are able to see a little more into the bigger plan.
As usual, with bigger plans come bigger opponents. Our demons. The ones we battle every day. The ones who seem to get bigger with time. The ones that we can defeat! There are times when your perspective on life has shifted so much that it alters the rest of your life. I can say that my life and my perspective were definitely altered in these last 2 years.
Because of my experiences, I have grown in ways that I never imagined myself overcoming. Although I have little battles with myself from time to time. I have learned to take the time to catch myself and be more self-aware of my actions and how they contribute to the situation.
I failed to realize that it was time to let go and have someone fear losing me for once. I had allowed myself to get caught up in my fear and allow others to hurt me in order to not lose someone. I had just been holding on to the wrong thing. I had to trust in myself and trust in God.
I had made a conscious decision to not allow certain demons back into my life. I battle every day with different demons. Some big and some small, but every time I set my eyes on the prize. Freedom from insecurity, self-doubt, self-image issues, freedom from depression, and anxiety.
I had begun the climb to my mental cloud 9. My mission is to continue to the top until I experience complete mental freedom, regardless of those who think that there is no hope. I am my only stumbling block and I am my own obstacle. I am also the author of my story and the only one who can change the ending. I choose to narrate my story my way. Choose to narrate your story your way!!