A puppet of my mind

Finding out I had BPD was one of the most eye-opening experiences I could have ever had. It was a platform that would help elevate my mind to a whole new level. It gave me a place to begin my journey of healing. Although that journey has turned out to be a little tougher than I expected.

I know this may sound funny but I was scared and relieved when I found out that there was a name for what I was experiencing. I knew that it would give my actions a label but, also give me a place to start working on myself. Understanding what I am dealing with, allowed me to begin healing myself instead of trying to find healing through others.

Some of the biggest hurdles I have had to overcome are my jealousy and insecurity. I have been in relationships that have scarred me and damaged me more mentally and physically than I had even realized. I had allowed others to begin to destroy my safe place. My mind.

I had allowed the opinions of my not-so-significant partners to dictate how I saw myself. I began to see myself as worthless and not good enough. I allowed a lot of hurt and pain to enter my life because my perception of myself had been so warped. I saw myself as second best or never good enough.

The greatest hurdle I dealt with was my fear of abandonment. This was something that crippled my very core. I was always afraid of someone leaving me and because of this allowed others to hurt me, just so they would stay. I never felt worthy of anyone’s love.

Then three years ago, everything changed. I was able to see my life and myself through a different set of lenses. I discovered I had BPD, and ever since then, I have been working hard to learn more about my disorder and how to conquer this giant. It has led me to discover the reasoning behind my actions and how I can use it as my stepping stone to begin healing and learning to love myself because of myself.

Beginning a healing journey is exciting yet uncomfortable and confusing. When you have been conditioned to feel like you are not good enough, it makes you feel uncomfortable and scared when you start to see the changes in yourself. You don’t know how to feel or act with this new perception of yourself or much less what to do with it.

It’s like being on a roller coaster for the first time. You are strapped in and ready, yet so scared and uncomfortable at the same time. You know there will be a lot of drops and spins but it will be fun and worth it in the end. After riding it out the first time, you want to get on a second time because you know what to expect the second time around and you can be better prepared for what is coming this time.

My journey has been full of drops, twists, and turns. But with each time, I am better prepared for what comes next. I am learning myself and having a better understanding of my mind and my actions. I still have a long way to go but I strive to push myself forward daily, not for others, but for myself. To keep my mind from being my puppet master…

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